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Date:         Sat, 5 Mar 1994 07:53:56 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00027"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR027
========
Date:         Sun, 15 Aug 1993 18:10:25 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Collection of crude jokes; various topics

Batman runs into Superman and says, "Hey, Sup!  What kind of day did you
have?"

Superman says, "I had a wild day.  I was flying over Wonder Woman's
apartment house, and I saw her sunning herself on the roof stark naked
with her legs spread.  SoI flew down and gave her a shot."

Batman says, "Man, she must have been surprised!"

Superman says, Nowhere near as surprised as the Invisible Man!"

---

Question: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?

Answer: An armadildo.

---

The old biker had taken to being courteous in his later years, especially
to women.  One day when airing his views, he remarked that he'd never seen
an ugly female.

A woman standing near him with a very flat nose, waffled cheeks and no
lips overheard this and said, "I beg your pardon, sir, but can you look at
me and honestly say that I'm not ugly?"

The noble tramp gazed at her and replied, "My dear lady, like the rest of
your sex, you are an angel fallen from the skies.  It's not your fault
that you happened to fall on your fuckin' face."

----

Question: What did Dracula say to his high school teachers when class was
over?

Answer: "See you next period!"

----

The young couple was so dumb, they didn't know how to boil an egg, much
less deliver a baby.  So when the time came, the local doctor came over
and did the bloody deed.

"Oh shit," the husband shouted as he watched, "the child is born without a
penis!"

"That's true," said the doctor calmly, "but in eighteen years, she'll have
one hell of a nice place to put one!"

=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 14:08:42 +1000
From:         Julie Ledster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY

This is one of my favourites, it has been circulated around offices for
goodness know how long.  Hope you enjoy it. (actually hope you haven't
seen it before).

TO ALL STAFF:
NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY:

Frequent absenteeism has forced introduction of the following
changes effective immediately:-

SICKNESS: No excuse for absence.  We will not accept your doctor's
certificate as proof. If you are unable to visit your doctor, you will
have to be prepared to submit to thorough examination by your department
or branch manager at your home on the day you report sick.

DEATH: (other than your own): This is not an excuse.  There is nothing you
can do for the deceased and we are sure that someone else in a lesser
position can attend to the arrangements.  However, if the funeral can be
held late in the afternoon, we will be glad to let you off 20 minutes
early-provided your work is sufficiently advanced to keep the job going in
your absence.

LEAVE FOR AN OPERATION: This is not an excuse.  We will no longer allow
this practice.  We wish to discourage any thoughts you may have about
needina an operation.  We believe that as long as you are employed here
you will need all of whatever organs you have, and you should not consider
having anything removed.  We employed you for what you are and to have
anything removed would certainly be less than we bargained for.  (Note: an
exception will be made for warts).

DEATH: (your own): This will be accepted as an excuse, buth we would like
two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.

TOILET VISIT: Entirely too much time is going spent in b toilets.  In
future we will follow alphabetical order:- For example, those whose
surname begins with 'A' will go from 9 a.m. to 9:05 a.m.. 'B' will go from
9:05 a.m. to 9:10 a.m., and so on.

IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO GO AT THE ALLOCATED TIME.  IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO
WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT DAY WHEN YOUR TURN COMES AGAIN.


("Strange...it seemed really funny the first time I read it, not so much
now")

You be the Judge.

Julie Ledster
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 11:13:26 IST
From:         John Bastian/Johnny <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Arranged marriage in India ( 50 lines)

              The Arranged Marriage: An Investigative Report
              =====  =======
 ( This is an extract from a long article recd from
 <[e-mail]>)
                    All Rights (and Wrongs) Preserved

Haven't you always wondered what *really* happens in an arranged
marriage?

The Selection Process:
---------------------

It is never easy finding a bride or a groom. That is the reason The Guy
Upstairs created the middleman (go-between) who is usually a woman.  Of
course, in the space-age we live in it could also be a computer matching
the couple-to-be, but more likely would be the "Wanted" ads in the major
newspapers where a typical matrimonial for a bride runs as follows:

               Wanted; Tall, fair, beautiful, cultured,
               professional girl for well-settled,
               Punjabi khatri boy in his late twenties,
               drawing a 5 figure income.
               Caste, creed, religion no bar. Sex baar-baar
               (baar-baar means Again and Again in Hindi !!).

Translation:
               We are desperate! We have a 29 1/2 year old son
               who's never been on a date. He earns very little
               which he blows on booze and gambling anyway.
               We don't give a sh*t who the girl is as long
               as she has a decent reputation. And the guy *is*
               getting desperate!

A typical matrimonial for a groom usually goes like this:

               Wanted; Tall, handsome, well-settled, professional
               boy, 26-28 yrs. for fair, beautiful, homely
               Aggarwal girl finishing her MA this year. Send
               returnable photo.

Translation:
               We are sick and tired of all these bozos we've
               been seeing for our daughter! We want to marry
               her off before she starts getting ideas of a
               career and gets out of hand. Her boyfriends
               are beginning to become a pain in the a*s. Non-
               Aggarwals need not apply! And dorks; stay away!

... The rest of the article(abt 600 lines, 28kbytes) will be sent
 if there are requests.
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 13:44:14 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      6jokes,1limerick & quotes (clean to the bone

The mailman rings on the door of a lonely farmhouse and a little
boy opens the door.

" Is your father home ?"
" No " answers the boy, " He's in the hospital, got hit by a
tractor."
" Terrible accident ","Is your mother then perhaps home ?"
" No, she's in the hospital, she also got hit by a tractor. "
The mailman looks at the boy compassionately and asks:
" But is there nobody else left at home ?"
" No, they 're all in the hospital, they all got hit by a
tractor."
" But that's horrible ", says the mailman ," Tell me what are you
doing
  alone in this deserted place ?"
" Ohhh", says the little boy, "Driving around with the tractor
here and there."
-----------------------------------------------------------------

A man asks the doctor for some advice:
Doctor: What's the problem ?
"I keep forgetting everything?"
Doctor: And how long do you have this?
"Have what?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------

There was this man, who was walking rather wobbling on the street, because
his left leg was in the gutter, and his right on the pavement.  A
policaman, who spotted him says: "Sir, I believe you're drunk!" " Thanks
God, I thought I was crippled."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz
said.
" Life is like a bowl of sour cream. "
" Like a bowl of sour cream? " asked the other, " Why? "
" How should I know?" "What am I, a philosopher "

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together ?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
limerick:
   A limerick packs laughs anatomical
   Into space that is quite economical
           But the good ones I've seen
           So seldom are clean,
   And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
quotes:
-        " A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly
           as the jokes he resents. "
                                               G.C. Lichtenberg
-       Colvard's Logical Premises:
        " All possibilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen
          or it won't. "
        Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
        " This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
          attracted to. "
        Grelb's Commentary:
        " Likelihoods, however are 90% against you. "

-       " Lady   : If I were your wife then I'd put poison in your coffee.
          Winston: If I were your husband, I'd drink it. "

- And for the philosophers:
        " We're all special cases. "
                     Albert Camus
        " One good turn gets most of the blanket. "
                                             Anon

=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 09:23:13 EST
From:         ROBERT RYAN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Town names cont.......

Did you  hear about the marine, who hated to get mail from home as the
Sarge would blast out for all to hear.....

                   Private Smith from FRUITland, MARYland

I promise not to send any more Town names,
                                          R. Ryan
                                          Broken Promise
                                          Kansas.
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 11:51:52 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Two thingz

Sayings:
"Vultures don't eat sponge cake"  (Proverb from Trinidad)
        Meaning something like, "You're out of your league"

Places:
        In West sussex:
                Colgate, between Horsham and Worthing
                Cocking, between Chichester and Midhurst.

=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 10:18:54 EDT
From:         Jeffrey R Kell <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Tennessee at Chattanooga
Subject:      Re: The other way round - Genglish

Then there's this classic one...

November 15, 1990
Export Coffee Company
134 West 29th Street
New York, NY  USA

Schentlemans:

Die letzte two packages von koffee ve got from you vas mitt ratt schidt
gemischt.  Der koffee may be goot enuf, but die ratt durds schbeil der
trade.  Ve dit not zee die ratt durds in der samples you sendt to us.

So much time it takes to pick der ratt durds out from der kaffee, yah!
Ve order der klean kaffee undt you schipt schidt mixt mit der kaffee.
It vos a mistake, yah?  Ve like you to schipp us der kaffee in vun sack
und der ratt schidt in vun udder sack, und den ve mix it opp to soot der
customer.  Pleaze ride iff ve schouldt schipp back der schidt und keep
der kaffee; or keep der schidt und schipp back der kaffee; or schipp
back der hol schitten verks.

Ve vant to do rite in dis madder but ve do not like dis dam ratt schidt
bizness.

Mitt much respekt

Hans Gruber
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 12:05:00 -0400
From:         Wendy Meyers <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Compensation Joke

For people who try to do a job alone, I offer the following
commentary that was passed on to me by a life safety coordinator.
It is a bit long but well worth the read.

INSURANCE FILES CASE HISTORY

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.  In
block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job
alone" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I should
explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be
sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the date of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six story building.  When I completed my work,
I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over.  Rather than
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building,
at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out, and loaded the brick into it.  Then I went back to the ground and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500
pounds of brick.  You will not in block number eleven of the accident
report that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.  In the
vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down.  This explains
the fractured skull and broken collarbone.  Slowed only slightly, I
continued my rapid ascent, not stoppint until the fingers of my right hand
were two knucles deep into the pulley.  Fortunately, by this time I had
regained by presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in
spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
gound and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Devoid of the weight of the
bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.  I refer you
again to my weight in box number eleven.  As you might imagine, I began a
rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.  This
accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and
lower body.  The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my
inuuiries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three
vertebrae were cracked.  I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay
there on the bricks -- in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty
barrel six stories above me -- I again lost my presence of mind and let go
of the rope.  The empty barrel weighed more than the rope, so it came back
down on me and broke both of my legs.

I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the accident
occurred.

Reprinted from the DAE Newsletter
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 10:26:46 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Buttons

Seen on various buttons:  (Strong language)

You can send me to school but you can't make me think.

If you think I'm strange wait until you meet my parents.

Some call it laziness.  I call it deep thought.

All this and brains too.

Money may not be everything but it certainly helps you achieve it.

As long as there are finals there will always be prayer in school.

I can't find myself, have you seen me lately?

Hi!  I can't remember your name either.

Damned if I do.  Damned if I don't.  So damn it I will!

What part of FUCK OFF didn't you understand?

Obsenity is in the mind of the beholder.

I dress this way to bother you.

If I promise to miss you will you go away?

(in very small print)  What are you looking at dickhead?

(in very small print)  Nosey little fucker.

Others???
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 09:31:44 -0800
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      button

In large letters at top BEWARE.

In tiny letters underneath - The person wearing this button is a notorious
sex maniac.  If you are close enough to read this you may already be
in trouble.

=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 12:38:00 EST
From:         JEFF HUBBARD <[e-mail]>
Subject:      golf joke. obscene language.

Q: What three words will you hear on the golf course that you'll never
hear in a whorehouse?
A: "Bite, you cocksucker!"
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 12:42:00 EST
From:         BABA <[e-mail]>
Subject:      overheard...(obscene language...)

Overheard outside the room of a virgin..on her first night...  "suck! you
stupid woman, suck!!  blow is just a figure of sppech!!"

=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 13:05:56 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Twain Quote

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly
stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was
astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.  - Mark Twain

=========
Date:          Mon, 16 Aug 1993 13:40:03 EDT
From:          Katie Phillips <[e-mail]>
Subject:       HUMUROUS SAYINGS

To the tune of Mary had a little lamb:

Mary had a little sheep
Little sheep little sheep
Mary had a little sheep
And with the sheep
She went to sleep

The sheep turned out to be a ram
Be a ram be a ram
The sheep turned out to be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb

=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 12:46:00 CDT
From:         THE UNICORN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      2 "corny" jokes

Here are a couple of jokes that my sister told me a long time ago:

Did you hear the joke about the bed?

--it hasn't been made up yet!

Did you hear the joke about the airplane?

--it's over your head!
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 14:02:10 -0400
From:         "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Fundamentalist humor

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Jerry Fallwell's Fried
Chicken?

They only serve right wings and assholes.

=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 14:21:00 MDT
From:         Spit Bounces <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Place Names; Economist Joke

Molly's Nipple, in Utah

(BTW, Albuquerque, in Bernalillo County, is not funny after a lifetime
of having to spell it)

On to the economy. Why are there economists? Some people just don't
have the personality to become accountants.
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 18:11:00 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <[e-mail]>
Organization: School of Medicine
Subject:      Re: Exsqueeeze me....

Speaking of strange names of towns... there is a Romance, West Va.,
and if you do not find what you want there, there is always Left
Hand.
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 18:14:58 EDT
From:         Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Oh no!!!  Not the town names again!!!   :)

Well, don't just stand there,
"Kissimmee"! (Florida)           ;)


 "To be, or not to be...
  Not to be."
- Arnold Schwartzeneger, "Last Action Hero"
(lighting cigar as castle blows up around him)
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 18:56:23 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Hog -- oops I mean husband -- calling

August 15, excerpted from UPI radio and wire report:

(SPRINGFIELD)-- An ear-spilting scream of ``Bobby'' by Darlene
Jones won the husband-calling contest at the Illinois State Fair
yesterday. Jones... who is NOT married and has NO children...
borrowed a little boy and man to participate in the winning skit.
The Peoria woman stood on a chair wearing a frilly white apron
and bollowed for her mock husband as she was taunted by the by
boy who held a rubber snake. Jones won 300- dollars for her
husband-call. Lacey Rebbe of Petersburg won the traditional hog-
calling contest.

Jones admitted to receiving some coaching from Paula Tyler, a
seven- time winner of the husband-calling contest.

``She gave me a few tips on how to handle myself. She also lent
me her son and husband for the act.''

Other contestants had their own reasons for entering the
contests.

Shane Ayers, a 29-year-old Springfield resident who works on
House Speaker Michael Madigan's press staff, joked she was
searching for a husband.

Her routine consisted of calling out to prospective men, offering
fishing poles, lacy negligees and power tools. She ended by
trying to lasso a man.

``I'm 29, have a career and lots of money and I need a husband,''
she cried out.
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 15:57:00 LCL
From:         Michael Cottam <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Exsqueeeze me....

Oregon proudly adds "Wanker's Corner" to this lot. Honest!

=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 16:37:16 -0700
From:         Ken Smith <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rated R - Sex

Q.  What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A.  One's a Good-Year and the other's a Great-Year

....

This guy walked into a bar and immediatly spotted this very attractive gal
sitting at the end of the bar.  After consuming a number of drinks, he
could no longer control his lust for her.  He approached the woman and
said "Listen lady, I'm going to be honest with you.  I'm a very very kinky
man; I absolutly love kinky sex and would love to take you home to show you
how kinky I am."

She replies: "This is your lucky day mister, because I happen to
be into the most kinky sex you can possible deliver."  Excited, the man
tells her to go with him to his place and assures her of his kinky-ness.
She decides that she would rather go to her place for their kinky, kinky
night of sex.  He agrees and they begin to head for her place.  When they
reach her home, she says, "OK,  let me go into the bathroom and freshen up
for you and I shall return for you."

In the mean time, he is stripping off his clothing.

When she finishes freshing up, she opens the bathroom door and sees the man
buttoning up his pants and straightening up his tie. She says, "Hey what
the hell are you doing, I thought we were going to have kinky sex?

Hey lady, I already fucked your cat and shit in your purse; I'm outta here!

=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 22:09:20 EDT
From:         James Brady <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumper Sticker & Car Names

Bumper sticker seen today:  Flush Rush, Toss Ross

A few months ago I was in the audience for a Shotgun Red (Nashville
Personality) performance in which "he" rattled off about a dozen
automobile name acronymns -

FORD - Fix or repair daily
       Found on road dead

PONTIAC - Poor old NewYorker thinks its a Cadillac

These are the only ones I remember - I'm up to H in Alzheimer's

Chevrolet, Volvo, and Plymouth were others he named. Can anyone
help?
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 22:44:26 EDT
From:         Tom Murray <[e-mail]>
Subject:      True Story (sexual content)

Hello there everybody, I was wondering if anybody has become informed
about the latest craze to hit the drug community.
    I was reading the local newspaper and they had a story picked up
from the Washington UPI.  Evidently a "gentleman" "injected" a cocaine
solution into his urethra (that's the tube the piddle comes down in a
guy's cock, for those of you who don't know the technical term) with a
eyedropper.  He said that it enhanced his sexual stimulation. However,
this gave him a rampant hard-on for 3 days and made it extremely painful
for him to urinate.  He went to the doctor to see what they could do.
Evidently shortly (no pun intended) thereafter he lost his erection.
Unfortunately the blood in his Johnny Thomas had coagulated and when he
lost his erection the blood flowed to his extremities and helped to cause
gangrene.  They amputated below his knees and most of his fingers and
evidently his thingy down there FELL OFF by itself. At least that saved him
surgery costs for that.  There were also other surgical treatments that he
had to go through consisting of removal of skin on his back.  I guess the
guy is doing ok now.

I guess that this is proof that more and more people are losing their
heads to drugs (pun intended)!!!!!
=========
Date:         Mon, 16 Aug 1993 22:56:57 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pope Poses Theological Questions

POPE POSES THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS

Denver August 15, 1993 (PETER FUNK PRESS).

      In Denver, in an address to 80,000 Catholic teenagers, Pope John
Paul II challenged the youth of the world to search out God in the
modern city. The Pope said if any youth finds Him, he should ask
God the central theological questions which plague mankind: Does
Heaven have any good places that shine tiaras, and if so, do they
take American Express?

      The Pope then directed any youth who found the answers to
send them to him immediately. He said to write them down a post
card and address it to The Pope, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus
Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff
of the Universal Church, Patriarch of the West, Primate of Italy,
Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of
the State of Vatican City, and Cool Papa. The Vatican. Italy.

      Any youth who sends him the answers receives a canonization
at 25% off the retail price.
                                      #
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 11:30:26 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Classic Sex (*shouldnt be offensive*)

Hi.


I always used to think that Wang Hankford had such an unfortunate name,
since at school, he could have been called things like "Wank, Hangford". I
used to be called "Lumpy" at school. Also a good navy name was "Seaman
Staines" (Pronounced as semen stains)

Place: Hanging Langford
        Up exe          (this one for computer (ms-dos) people)

One thing I wish would run, and two things I wish would not:

My programs(computer), noses , and politicians.

I have had this for ages, and just found it on a *old* disk!

Enjoy!!

        One evening after attending the theatre, two blokes were walking
down the road  when they saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman
walking ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, "I'd
give 50 quid to spend the night with her.."

        To their surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she
said, "I'll take you up on that..". She had good appearance and a nice
voice, so after bid ding his companion 'good night', he followed her back
to her flat and they went straight to bed.

        The following morning the man presented her with 25.00. She
demanded the rest of the money.."If you don't give the remaining 25 I'll
sue you for it.".. He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those
grounds!"..

        The next day,he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his
appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed to his solicitor
and explained the circumstances to him. His lawyer said, "She can't
possibly get ajudgement against you on such grounds, but it would
interesting to see how her case will be presented."

        After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the court as
follows:

        Your honour, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece
of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery,
which she agreed to rent to the Defendant for a specified lenght of time,
for an agreed sum of 50. The Defendant took possesion of the property, used
it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuation
of the premises he paid only 25 -half the agreed amount. The rent was by no
means excessive, even though it was restricted  property, and we ask
Judgement be granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance.

        The Defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his
opponent had presented the case. His defence was, therefore, somewhat
altered from the way he had originally planned to present it.

        Your Honour, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of
property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of
pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well
on the property around which he placed his stones, sunk a  shaft, and
erected a pump, all labour being performed by him personally. We claim
these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid
amount and that the plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and
compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask Judgement
be not granted..

        The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this:

        Your Honour, my client agrees that the Defendant did find a well on
her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has
described.  However had the Defendant not known the well existed,he would
not have rented the proerty. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the
Defendant removed his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with
him.
        In so doing, he not only dragged his equipment through the
shrubbery, but he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his
occupancy, thus making it very easily accessible to little children. We
therefore ask that Judgement be granted.

AND SHE GOT IT!
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 07:12:10 EDT
From:         Bert Headrick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Cartoon Humour

Subject: Cartoon Humour

One of the funniest cartoons I have ever seen appeared here many years
ago when the Darlington (near Toronto) nuclear generating station was
big news.  Picture two women and a little boy with a foot growing out
of the middle of his forehead.  In the background can be seen
nuclear reactors silhouetted on the skyline.  The one woman says,
"My, he's grown a foot since I last saw him!"

Sick but funny.

=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 08:07:42 EDT
From:         Tom Nipper <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pope Joke

Heard this on the Ron n' Ron Show yesterday:

Q. What did the Pope say to all those heat stroke victims in
Denver during his Mass ?

A. If you think it's hot now keep up your sinful ways !!!
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 08:18:17 -0500
From:         Rich Groth <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pope

At the recent World Youth Day in Colorado, Pope John Paul put to rest all
speculation on why he choose the name John Paul.  When asked about the
choice, he responded, "Well, they were my favorite Beatles".  :^)
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 15:14:57 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      STOP learning mathematics now !!!!

Hi,
    What I am going to do here is to pull down all the mathematical
    fundamentals. The oldest mathematical truth is that 1 = 1.
    This has also been so. Everything else achieved in the
    mathematical field is based on this undeniable universal truth.

    I am going to tell you now that 1 not equals 1 at all.
    Please wait before you declare me nuts, I got some proof
    here, thank you.

    In fact 1 equals 2.  ( right , and I must believe that,
    I took math you know, you don't foul me).

    Allright I am going to proof it to you.
    Use all your mathematical skills and follow the next proof.
    Every step in the proof is explained on the right side.


Proof that 2=1


1) X=Y                     ; Given
2) X^2=XY                   ; Multiply both sides by X
3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2           ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y)        ;Factor
5) X+Y=Y                    ;Cancel out (X-Y) term
6) 2Y=Y                     ;Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
7) 2=1                      ; Divide both sides by Y

Now that chocked, didn't it. Maybe you are not so surprised as this
math student.
He stood staring before himself for at least half an hour. Then he
realized what he just read. Took all his math book , started devoring
them like a nut, shouting "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO".
Then he eated it. Run through the house on the street, shouting:
"1 EQUALS 1 I KNOOOOOW, THIS ISN'T TRUE, THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING."
Then he smashed his head a couple of times against the wall. A little
bit calmed down, he went back into his house.
Still not satisfied, he took up the phone
called his math teacher and said:
                                    _ fill in the missing word.
                                   |
"HE YOU, LISTEN TO ME, YOU LYING (...), I AM NOT TAKING ANY OF THIS
 (...) NO LONGER, I KNOW IT, YOU WERE LYING IT ALL THE TIME. DON'T
 TRY TO DENY IT. I GOT SOME HARD PROOF HERE. YOU'RE GOING TO PAY
 FOR THIS. I PROMISE YOU. I SUE. I WILL, I SUE. "
 Then he smashed the phone on the hook, sure  of his revenge.


 Maybe his wrong? And there is something wrong with the proof.
 Who knows? Do you?


Words Of Wisdom
-----------------------------
A child of five would understand this.
Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx
-----------------------------------------------------------------
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 15:19:22 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Bergen
Subject:      Army

Notice at an army camp:
Troops are warned not to drink any water which has not been
passed by the Medical Officer.

=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 10:56:39 -0400
From:         King Rhoton <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: STOP learning mathematics now !!!!

Here are a couple of famous last quotes for you to enjoy.  Try not to ever
use one of them:

        (1)  Don't worry, I can handle it.
        (2)  You and what army?
        (3)  If you were as smart as you think you are, you
wouldn't be a cop.
        (4)  Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
        (5)  Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
        (6)  What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
        (7)  We won't need reservations.
        (8)  It's always sunny there this time of the year.
        (9)  Don't worry, it's not loaded.
       (10)  They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 11:36:00 EDT
From:         Charles Castelli <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Aristotlean Math

How about this one:

 12          =      a dozen
  6          =      1/2 dozen    ; divide both sides by 2
 36          =      1/4 dozen    ; square both sides
144          =      a dozen      ; multiply both sides by 4

=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 10:47:00 CST
From:         Mike Novak <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Company names

I've just returned from vacation; here are a few things I saw:

On a cement truck in PA:

      Concrete by Dicks

(I'm sure they do nice work, they're just a pain to deal with...)

And a store in Massachussettes:

       Juvenile Sales


(I guess they just pout and hold their breath until you buy
something...)


Mike
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 12:27:00 -0400
From:         Wendy Meyers <[e-mail]>
Subject:      strange names

In the Binghamton, New York area there is a funeral home called
the Amigone Funeral Parlor.  Also, in Ithaca, New York there is
the Bangs Ambulance company, second only to Bangs Funeral Home.

Wendy
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 12:34:43 LCL
From:         Andy Mavrias <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Company names

I think the best one I've seen was on the side of an
eighteen-wheeler:

(in huge letters covering the whole trailer)
GOD

(in smal print underneath)
Guaranteed Overnight Delivery

L8r!
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 12:42:06 EST
From:         "Joseph J. Tamburino"
              <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: strange names

In the Binghamton, New York area there is a funeral home called
the Amigone Funeral Parlor.  Also, in Ithaca, New York there is
the Bangs Ambulance company, second only to Bangs Funeral Home.

Wendy

Wow.  And most funeral homes I go to are so boring.

Joe.
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 10:01:58 PDT
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.6  -  A collection of clean humor gather
seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

[From "Putt's Law and the Successful Technocrat"]

FIRST LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
  Change is the status quo.

SECOND LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
  Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.

THIRD LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
  A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or
being chased by it.

FIRST LAW OF ADVICE:
  The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.

SECOND LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
  Any decision is better than no decision.

THIRD LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
  A decision is judged by the conviction with which it is
uttered.

FIFTH LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
  Decisions are justified by the benefits to the organization,
but they are
MADE by considering the benefits to the decision-makers.

FIRST LAW OF COMMUNICATION:
  The purpose of the communication is to advance the
communicator.

SECOND LAW OF COMMUNICATION:
  The information conveyed is less important than the impression.

THIRD LAW OF SURVIVAL:
  To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees
first.

PUTTS-BROOKS LAW:
  Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it
later.

/* my favorite */

PARALLELS TO MURPHY'S LAW:
  Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed.
  Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers.
  Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.

----------------------------------------------------------------

The well-known statement of Murphy's Law--"If something can go
wrong, it
will"--turns out to be a corruption of its original formulation:
"If there's
a wrong way to do a thing, somebody will find it and do it that
way." (see
SCIENCE 83, Jan.-Feb.l983, p. 78)  One of my favorite sourcebooks
on this subject is

Paul Dickson's THE OFFICIAL RULES, with its sequel THE OFFICIAL
EXPLANATIONS.  I quote from "Gilb's Laws of Reliability":

(1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more
unreliable.

(2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

(3) The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the
fool will
attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.

(4) A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity,
until the
resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.

(5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion
to their
inherent unreliability.

(6)
The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system
serve as a
key to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.

(7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
detectable
errors, which by definition are finite.

(8) All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which
is impossible.

(9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable
cost of errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful
work done.
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 13:03:30 -0400
From:         Patti Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      german language translations...

All this German stuff reminds me of an experience I had in a grocery store
years ago.  My Oma (grandma) is German & not too great at English.  I
speak both languages.

Well, years ago, when Mr. Pibb was first introduced, I thought it was the
greatest.  So, during one of my summer visits, she took me shopping & I
spotted a six-pack.  I just asked if I could "have some of this?" She took
one look at the labelling, which had the product name printed in large,
capitalized letters, in some kind of modernized script: PIBB

and asked why I'd want it.  Explanation... in German, there's an
additional letter, the esset (I don't know about that spelling) that looks
like a capitalized, scripted B.  It makes an S sound.

At the ripe old age of 10 or so, I thought it very embarrassing, since
Oma's never been shy & always been rather verbal (& loud).  pj =========
Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1993 13:11:23 EDT From: BETH WOODELL
<[e-mail]> Subject: Buttons, acronyms; some adult language

Jill Harlow was asking for wacky button sayings. I posted two a few weeks
ago during the sign discussion. (And what, after all, is a button but a
portable, miniature sign?) The other one I remember from the wacky gift
store is --Jesus Loves You....The Rest of Us Think You're an Asshole
Spotted on an herb vendor at a craft show: --Mobile Non-Smoking Area (I
begged her to tell me where she got that button but she didn't remember.)

Jim Brady calls for acronyms. Remember the rumor a few years back that the
sneaker brand name adidas was supposed to be a subliminal message for
--all day I dream about sex

And now, because I am allowed only one post a day, I now request your best
practical joke. I'm looking for actual jokes or stunts that were pulled on
real people. Here's my example, again culled from my college years in
Albany (actually grad school): I had a student in my elementary Russian
class that spoke Finnish, and some of the other grad students wanted very
much to learn Finnish and wanted the Slavic department to hire her as a
teaching assistant.  The Slavic Dept. was adamant, no, Finnish is not a
Slavic language, and besides we won't get the enrollment we need to make
the class run.  Finally we persuaded the chairman to hire her and let the
class go if it got 5 enrollments. Well, we got 12, and suddenly the other
department heads were teasing our chairman: "Hey Ernie! You guys'll do
anything for enrollments!" and "What does this say about Soviet hegemony
in Finland?!" etc. but mostly I think they were just jealous.  They teased
that the Finns were taking over the Slavic dept....so three of us snuck
into the office March 31 of that year and engineered an April Fool's Day
takeover of the Slavic Dept. Everywhere we found a Russian handbill we put
a Finnish one in its place. The big Tchaikovsky poster came down and a
poster of Sibelius went up! The "study abroad" bulletin board lost its
announcements to travel to Moscow and gained announcements to travel to,
guess where, Helsinki.  Even the Russian and Polish cartoons were replaced
by Finnish (and Estonian) cartoons. And, for a finishing (no pun intended)
touch, we put our TA's name over the chairman's name on the office door!
All of us TA's also took over our advisors' offices. It was well into the
afternoon of April 1 before the faculty realized what had happened, and
why.

Yes, it's erudite, maybe a little pretentious and pedantic, but what the
heck.  We had fun!

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
Any other speakers of Russian and Finnish out there?
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 18:25:21 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      1. acronym   2. practical jokes (don't

"adidas" reminded me of a supposed explanation for the name of ACCESS,
which is a major credit card in the UK:"A Credit Card Encourages Silly
Spending"

Also "BURMA" which lovers are supposed to write on the backs of their
love-letter envelopes: "Be Undressed and Ready My Angel"

<----------------serious stuff begins here------------------------------>

Although Beth's example of a practical joke was erudite, clever, and
harmless, not all practical jokes are, particlarly those practised by
groups against individuals, which can sometimes have a hint of cruelty or
ganging up on someone, and often leave a sour taste in the mouth, and
occasionally have unpredictably tragic consequences.

Psychiatrist-General's warning: just say No to practical jokes.
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 13:38:00 EST
From:         JEFF HUBBARD <[e-mail]>
Subject:      amusing button


                JESUS SAVES.
              Gretzky rebounds,
                 he shoots,
                he scores!!
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 13:52:23 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Drinking song <rude words>

I belive the following deserves to be considered one of the all time
classic tasteless songs. I got it from a person who says it was written by
a fraternaty brother back in the late 70's.  It is called "Cleavage and
Cunt Hairs" and is sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favorite
things" from the movie "Sound of Music".


Cleavage and cunt hairs and pearly white asses
Strong musky oders that steam up my glasses
Young braless chests and the hard-ons they bring
These are a few of my favorite things

[boom cha cha boom cha cha boom cha cha boom]

Playboy and Penthouse and Hustler I treasure
Thinking of course of my penis's pleasure
69's, blowjobs, and overnight flings
These are a few of my favorite things

[music swells]

When the clap strikes!
When the crabs bite!
When there's only men!
I simply remember my favorite things...
and then my dick's haaaaard ahhhgain


Well, it is sorta cute if you can imagine a couple of
good-looking frat boys tipsy, trying to sing it.
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 14:06:10 EDT
From:         Bill Breivogel <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Meaning of Life

On Aug 15 Ian Chai asked about the words to the Deserata parady
from Monty Python's "Meaning of Life".  That is one of my
all-time favorite movies so I watched my video  of it last night
and tried to write down the words.  I think this is what you had
im mind.

Why are we here?
What's life all about?
Is god really real?
Or is there some doubt?
Well tonight we're going to sort it out,
For tonight is the meaning of life.
What's the point of all these hopes?
Is it the chicken and the egg time?
Are we just yolks?
Or perhaps we are just one of god's little jokes.
We're searching the meaning of life.
Is life just a game where we make up the rules
While we're waiting for something to say?
Or are we just simply spirling coils of replicating DNA?
What is life?  What is our fate?
Is there heaven and hell? Or do we reincarnate?
Is mankind evolving?
I'll leave it to you.
Well tonight is the meaning of life.
For millions this life is a sad veil of tears
Sitting around with really nothing to say.
We are just simplying spiraling coils of the replicating DNA.
What is why, why are we here?
Which is what? What? What? What do we fear?
Which is why for a change it will all be made clear.
For this is the meaning of life.
This is the meaning of life.

--
Bill Breivogel     Marianna, FL
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 14:32:00 EST
From:         Linda Babcock <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Funeral Home names

I really hate to start another name thread, but I can't help myself.  Here
in Bowling Green, Ohio, there is the Dunn Funeral Home (and I guess you
are when you are sent there), but my all time favorite (some years ago - I
don't know if it's still there) was one in Defiance, Ohio, called Stick
and Frye Funeral Home.

Linda Babcock
Bowling Green State University
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 11:51:00 PDT
From:         Jim Bakker <[e-mail]>
Subject:      funeral home name

From: Jim Bakker SCO 324-7014

Here in Sacramento we have a Skelton Funeral Home. I know the
spelling isn't
quite right, but it's close enough for humor.
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 13:51:36 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bags; Practical; Math

Gosh, today the 1 message per day limit is a bit curbing... got
so many things.

1. The Straits Times (Singapore) reports SEVERAL Malaysia Airlines
employees are facing an inquiry for allowing a flight to Johannesburg to
take off without the passengers' luggage on June 28, according to a report
in the Sunday Mail.

The newspaper said that the blunder was discovered after MH201 landed at
the Jan Smuts International Airport in South Africa, causing anxiety among
the scores of passengers and red faces among MAS staff.

MAS customer relations and media manager Zawiah M.  Aruf, when asked to
confirm the incident, said in Kuala Lumpur: "We deeply regret the incident
in which a flight rostering discrepancy resulted in a loading oversight of
luggage. "Immediate action was taken to dispatch the bag via a Singapore
Airlines flight, and they were handed over to all the passengers the
following day."

At Johannesburg, the affected passengers were paid the airline rate's
incidental expenses while waiting for the delivery of their luggage.

Mrs Zawiah said the national airline deeply regretted the incident which
"we view very seriously".

She added that an inquiry was under way and stern action would be taken
against the staff involved.

Man, gives a whole new twist to the "fly to Philly and baggage to LA"
thing!

2. BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]> wanted practical jokes.

One that we've been wanting to pull but can't because we don't have the
root password:

In 2001, a space odyssey, they had a machine named HAL developed at a
research institute in Urbana, Illinois. Well, we are at the real
counterpart to that instititue, the Digital Computer Lab. HAL just went
online last year, a little late according to the movie but a little early
according to the book. There is a scene where Dave, the hero, has to
disable HAL because it went homocidal. As Dave shuts HAL down, it
regresses and ends up singing "Daisy, Daisy" slower and slower until it
shuts down completely.

The real-life HAL is a fast SPARC. SPARCs have speakers... a bunch of us
wanted to stick that song in the shutdown script so that when the system
administrator shuts down the machine, it would go, "You don't really want
to do that, Dave." And start singing that song!

3. Charles Castelli said:
    12          =      a dozen
     6          =      1/2 dozen    ; divide both sides by 2
    36          =      1/4 dozen    ; square both sides
   144          =      a dozen      ; multiply both sides by 4

   The problem is in line 3 "dozen" doesn't get squared:
    12  = 1 * 12
     6  = 1/2 * 12
    36  = 1/4 * 12^2
   144  = 144

Ian
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 14:55:00 EDT
From:         "Michael B. Smith" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more wordplay

Seen from the road, a sign hanging off a building.

Remmington Birth Control Clinic
Enter from the Rear.
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 15:01:42 EDT
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Aptly Named Funeral Parlor

Years ago during a storm in our fair little town, the letter "F" got blown
off the local "FASSBENDER FUNERAL HOME" sign.  Never had the town seen
such an appropriately named establishment.

=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 15:00:38 EDT
From:         "John R. Stephens, Jr." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Funeral Home names
<[e-mail]>

One of my all time favorite "names" was the law firm located in Canton, Ga
for many years. (Don't know if they are still there.....)

Two good old southern families joined in the practice of law...
                      Ketcham & Cheetham, Attys. at Law

John R. Stephens, Jr.-Director        Telephone [phone]
Instructional Resources Center        Facsimile [phone]
South Instructional Plaza             Bitnet    JSTEPHEN@UGA
University of Georgia                 Internet
[e-mail]
Athens, Georgia 30602-3015            Easylink 62056973   Telex
41-4190
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 15:04:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Trivia from the Grag Bag

*** The Grab Bag features humorous trivia from The Santa Cruz
Comic News ***

Q: How long has it been traditional for US Presidents to telephone the
locker rooms of football's Super Bowl winners?
A:  Richard Nixon started that.

Male animals that browse on a tree called the "corynanthe johimbe" in the
Cameroons are said to become zealously sexy. From that tree, scientists
have produced a drug they call "johimbine hydrochloride." They think it
might be the only GENUINE aphrodisiac and are trying to prove it {ed:
what's the test?}

Q:  When you say most species of mammals aren't monogamous,
define "most."
A:  About 97 percent. Sizable most, what?

Q:  Where does Cuba sell most of its cigars now?
A:  Great Britain.

Joggers report that running forward is less strenuous than
running in place.

Q:  Where does bourbon rank now on that list of favorite American
hard liquor?
A:  Fourth. Behind vodka, Canadian whisky, and cordials. In that
order.

Some Chinese citrus growers infest their orchards with certain ants. So
those ants can kill other insect pests. Wait, there's more: Those growers
rig thousands of little bamboo ladders for those ants.

Premenstrual stress is also an affliction of female baboons.

A baptismal record shows one Mr. and Mrs. Andrews named their newborn baby
boy "Strange Odor Andrews."

A camel can't go without water anywhere nearly as long as can an ordinary
rat.

St. Louis in the 1940s was labeled by the sloganeers as "First in Shoes,
First in Booze, and Last in the American League."

** NB: For more info on subscribing to the truly humorous newspaper called
** The Santa Cruz Comic News, send a private email to me, NOT the list.

Richard Carl
Systems Analyst for Technical Services
Department of Administrative Information Services
2 Administration Building * Michigan State University * E.
Lansing, MI 48824

=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 15:24:13 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Fencing vs. sex (tasteless)

A fencer once stepped off the strip after a particularly fast and furious
bout in which he had decisively beaten a much higher-ranked opponent.
"Gawd," he said to everyone, "that was better than sex!"

But was it? Can fencing and sex really be compared? How are they the
similar? How do they differ? Is it possible that fencing could indeed be
"better than sex"? These were the questions people began asking. A team of
researchers was hastily assembled and immediately embarked upon an
exhausting program of study, the result of which is the following:

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FENCING AND SEX

Even ugly fencers score regularly.

In fencing you have a coach to tell you what you're doing wrong, and you
get to practice first before trying it out for real.

You can fence with strangers without getting a bad reputation and you
don't have to spend $30 in the bar getting to know them first.

You are not being insulting if you insist that your fencing partner wear a
mask.

No one expects a fencing bout to last much longer than two minutes and you
don't have to worry afterwards if the other fencer enjoyed it or not.

In fencing you don't have to get your own equipment until you decide
whether or not you like it.

You usually fence in a big, brightly lit room with lots of people in it.

The person you're fencing with won't mind if your buddies stand around and
cheer for you.

Whips are normal in fencing.


MOREOVER:


It doesn't hurt if someone steps on your foil.

It is almost impossible to catch a disease from a fencing foil.

You can play with your foil in public and no one will laugh.

If your foil gets a funny bend in it all you have to do is run it under
your foot a few times.

No one cares how long your foil is, and if it breaks you just to get a new
one.

It is easy to get pretty girls to hold on to your foil.

Finally, and perhaps most significantly, in fencing if your opponent
doesn't come, you win.

=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 15:43:24 EDT
From:         Jeffrey R Kell <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Tennessee at Chattanooga
Subject:      Re: Funeral Home names
<[e-mail]>

In Chattanooga:  orthopedics shop  "Stubb's Brace and Limb"

/Jeff/
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 14:13:40 -0600
From:         Matt White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Toasts <Very Rude Words> (was: Drinking song <rude
words> )
Or how about toasts (for drunks...):

   Here's to the hole that never heals
   The more you rub it, the better it feels
   And all the soap this side of hell
   Won't wash away that fishy smell.

   Wine, women, song, and vice
   Syphyllis, blueballs, crabs, and lice
   We've had 'em all, by Jesus Christ
   Gentlemen - The Queen

=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 16:28:00 EST
From:         JEFF HUBBARD <[e-mail]>
Subject:      another vulgar toast

EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE (but I bet you read it anyway)

A toast which my friends have being doing at every bachelor
party for several years:

Here's to the girls that we love best;
we love them best when they're undressed;
we'll fuck em standing, sitting, lying;
if they had wings, we'd fuck em flying;
and when they're dead and long forgotten;
we'll dig em up and fuck em rotten!
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 15:01:44 -0500
From:         Steve Davis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pronounce carefully

I always used to think that Wang Hankford had such an unfortunate name,
since at school, he could have been called things like "Wank, Hangford". I
used to be called "Lumpy" at school. Also a good navy name was "Seaman
Staines" (Pronounced as semen stains)

I realize there is no end to silly names for Chinese restaurants and this
post caused me to recall the name of a place not far from me (Commerce,
Texas).

The name of the restaurant is Yang Yen Chinese. Sometimes pronounciation
can make a WORLD of difference in the intended meaning!

=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 16:07:16 -0600
From:         Evelyn Clement <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Carefully pronounce...

Do you know the difference between a bride on the eve of her
wedding
and an old maid in the bath tub?
The bride-to-be has hope in her soul.
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 15:56:26 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <[e-mail]>
Subject:      practical jokes

Recently: My friends and I were calling old boyfriends.  My friend called
this one guy and she got his answering machine so she hung up.  Then she
called back and started telling him how sexy and hot he was (he's really
fugly) and how she wanted to get with him.  Then she called back 5 minutes
later (sounding obsessed).  Chad, you still aren't home.  I really miss
you, I want you, etc.  (He was probably gettin a hard on by this time).
She called back once more.  Hi, Chad.  I'm mad at you.  One of my friends
just told me that you have a girlfriend.  Well, I'm just gonna have to
kill her so I can have you all to myself (she sounded really serious too).
I would have loved to have a picture of his face when she said that.
Classic.

Laters.  Jill
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 17:02:29 -0500
From:         Brad Pardee <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Practical jokes

My old campus pastor shared this story of a joke that was pulled on
somebody in the dorm when he was at Bible college.  Apparently, the doors
to the rooms had transom windows above them, so some "friends" visited the
victim before Christmas break, and while they were there, one of them
managed to unlock the transom.  After the poor soul left for Christmas
break, these other guys used the unlocked transom to get into his room.
They waterproofed the floor and walls with plastic and then they stuck a
hose in and filled up the room with about 6 inches of water.  Then they
started throwing in boxes of jello.  They climbed back in and walked
around in it to mix it all up, and then they started throwing in bananas,
oranges, etc.  Finally, they opened the outside window and left.  Winter
temps being what they were, the guy came back from vacation to find 6
inches of fruit jello in his dorm room.  Glad it wasn't me!!!

=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 15:23:43 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      practical joke on tax-payers...

Source: U.S. News & World Report, Feb 3 1992 (page 14).

                        THE STEALTH PAY PACKAGE

The Japanese noticed it. Laid-off Americans noticed it. And now the
government is eye-balling executive pay: The Securities and Exchange
Commission last week proposed new ways for companies to report employees'
stock options so stockholders can get a better idea how much chief
executive officers are paid.  Fueling the issue is the gap between CEO pay
and company performance.  Compensation expert Graef Crystal estimates that
only 5% of the variation in CEO income stems from differences in firms'
profitability.

A Senate hearing this week is examining what Democratic Sen. Carl Levin of
Michigan calls the "stealth compensation of corporate executives". David
Maxwell, the former chairman of the Federal National Mortgage Association,
has recently felt Congress's wrath. After lawmakers assailed his $27
million pay-and-retirement package, he decided to pass up an additional
$5.5 million. If he had taken it, he said, "Congress might have mandated
the "intrusion of governmental agencies" into Fannie Mae's day-to-day
operations.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Punchline: The American tax-paying public was too dumb to anything about
the Fannie Mae caper! Fannie Mae is funded, at least in part, by public
money.  Thoughtful of the Maxwell chap though, 'passing up' an additional
$5.5 million...

=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 21:01:57 EDT
From:         Michael Wolter <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Women priests and the Last Supper (clean)

During the Pope's recent visit to the US, there was a woman interviewed on
the news who is associated with a group that is fighting to have the curch
allow women to become priests.  At one point she said: "There are church
officials who tell us that women cannot become priests because there were
no women at the Last Supper.  I would have to respond: 'Who do you think
cooked the food?  Who served?  And who cleaned up afterward?'"

-Mike Wolter
=========
Date:         Tue, 17 Aug 1993 21:16:49 -0400
From:         Bruce Schoonmaker <[e-mail]>
Subject:      DIGEST?

Obligatory joke, rude and sexist:

Q:  Why do women take longer to reach orgasm than men?
A:  Who cares?!
=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 08:48:27 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Bergen
Subject:      medical humour (tasteless)

The gynaecologist was in the theatre, doing his "list".
The surgeon, who had just finished en emergency operation in the
adjoining theatre, popped his head through the door and said:
"How's life, Bill?"
"Hello, Jim, just SCRAPING A LIVING."

=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 07:32:52 EDT
From:         Bert Headrick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Funeral Home Humour

Subject: Funeral Home Humour

In Ottawa, there is a funeral home called "Hulse and Playfair."

Some of the popular graffitiof a few years ago..

"No pulse?  Call Hulse.  And we'll play fair with you."

Regards,
BERT HEADRICK, ST LAWRENCE COLLEGE, BROCKVILLE CAMPUS
=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 07:46:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      yet another story with a moral (General)

it seems that farmer brown had a bad problem with the birds in his barn
building nests in his plow horses' manes.  every morning, it seemed he had
to comb out their manes because of overnight construction by the
persistent birds.  this actually made him sad, because he didn't like to
be destroying the efforts of the birds who were really only trying to
build homes for themselves and their families.

he asked his county agent (whose name just happened to be hank kimbal)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^bonus humour!!!!^^^^^^^^^^^^^

for some advice on how to get the birds to stop their nest building and
leave his plow horses alone.  hank told mr. brown to sprinkle some yeast
in the horses' manes and that should take care of the problem.

figuring that nothing else had worked, he tried it.  lo and behold, when
farm brown went out to the barn, the next morning, there WERE no nests in
his horses' manes!  so he just hitched up the horses and went out to do
his daily plowing.

while he was out in the field, hank stopped by to see if the trick had
worked, and farmer brown lauded him and praised him and thanked him
profusely.  when farmer brown asked hank why sprinkling yeast in his
horses' manes kept the birds from their nightly nestbuilding duties, hank
replied....

"yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."

=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 06:56:00 CDT
From:         "Lee, Brad" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Company Names

On U.S.90, in Uvalde, Texas, I saw this company: "Joy Pipe."

Several miles east of Uvalde, I came across their storage lot, with,
appropriately enough, a sign that said, "Joy Pipe Storage."

Sorta sets one mind a reelin', eh?

Brad
=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 08:34:08 EDT
From:         "Douglas J. Sabel" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Company Names

I had always thought that the most ingenious (and comical) name for a
moving company was one that I saw around the Maryland area.

"Two Men and a Truck"
=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 10:56:17 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      request for funny toasts

"Remarriage is testimony to the triumph of optimisim over
experience."
        --Samuel Johnson
=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 10:24:00 CDT
From:         "[e-mail]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      toasts/quotes attributed to Mae West

Text of forwarded message
-----------------------
From last Sunday's NYTimes Entertainment section

"A man has more character in his face at 40 than at 20 - he has suffered
longer."

"When a woman goes wrong, men go right after her."

"I like a Man who's good, but not too young.  For the good die young, and
I hate a dead one."

"When I'm good I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better."

"Men like women with a past - because they hope history will repeat it
self."

"It's better to be looked over than to be overlooked."

"I was in a tight spot once, but I managed to wriggle out of it."

"Marriage is a great institution - but I'm not ready for an institution."

"Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.

"Between two evils I always pick the one I haven't tried before.

Hatcheck girl: "Goodness, what lovely diamonds." Mae West: "Goodness had
nothing to do with it dearie."

"I wrote a story about myself.  It's all about a girl who lost her
reputation and never missed it."

=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 09:58:24 -0600
From:         Chester Hodges <[e-mail]>
Subject:      lawyer joke (offensive language)

An up and coming lawyer was informed that he was going to have to
get a 30% cut in his salary.

Later that evening he was discussing, with his wife, some ways in
which they could trim some of the fat in their budget.

"Honey," he said,"if you could learn to prepare a few meals, we
could get rid of the cook."

"Well dear," she replied,"If you could learn to fuck, we could
fire the gardner."
=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 13:06:06 -0400
From:         Thomas Rowe <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Famous last words

Socrates:  I drank *what*?
=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 13:44:14 EDT
From:         Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: story with a moral... (*sick humor*)

he asked his county agent (whose name just happened to be hank kimbal)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^bonus humour!!!!^^^^^^^^^^^^^

>for some advice on how to get the birds to stop their nest building and
>leave his plow horses alone.  hank told mr. brown to sprinkle some yeast
>in the horses' manes and that should take care of the problem.

I don't know why, but I was anticipating a really *sick* ending to this
story...

Like, the birds ate the yeast and blew up before they could build the
nests.  (As you all know, the aviary digestive tract can't expell gas) 8-Z

Somehow the image of the farmer finding all these bloated birds in the
field...  brings to mind Henson's little belching creatures in various
movies.  ;)

=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 14:15:37 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Idioms <mildly amusing>

*Up to scratch*

In the 19th century a prize fighter who was knocked down had 8 seconds to
get up and walk across the prize ring to toe a line that had been
scratched in the dirt floor.  If he could not "toe the line," he lost the
fight, because he couldn't "come up to scratch."

*Saving face*

This expression was originally used by the English expatriots in China to
describe the many devices the Chinese used to avoid incur- ring or
finlicting disgrace.  The exact expression does not appear in Chinese, but
"to lose face" and "for the sake of one's face" are common.

*Eat humble pie*

After the huntsmen, in England>[D>[D>[Dish days of ole, brought in fresh-
killed deer, the lords and ladies feasted on roat vension, while the
servants were given the poorest parts of the animal, the entrails, heart,
liver and other innards, baked in a pie. The innards were known as
"umbles," so the people who didn't count for much ate 'umble pie.

*Joke*

The Indo-european root word for joke is "yek." How appropriate!

=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 14:35:57 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bageljuice high

Just read in this morning's UPI newswires (Aug 18 1993) that Judge Walter
Colbath has ordered Jerry Ericksonto quit eating poppyseed bagels or he'll
go to prison!

It seems Jerry is on probation for kidnapping and robbery, and one day he
showed up for his probation meeting and tested positive for morphine...
even though he swore he never touched the stuff! His doctor concluded the
drug test may have picked up small traces of morphine from his breakfast
that day -- a poppyseed bagel!

So Palm Beach County Circuit Judge Walter Colbath on Tuesday allowed Jerry
to remain on probation rather than to return to prison because the
correction officials could not prove that he'd used illegal drugs, but he
ofered him to stop eating poppyseed bagels as a condition of parole.

Said Jerry's attorney, Dean Wilbur, regarding his job as a criminal
defense lawyer, "It continues to get weirder and weirder, the longer I do
this!"

So, just remember to say NO to bagels!

Ian
=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 16:22:27 -0400
From:         Mike Shockley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      *Mildly* crude knight ditty

Medevial type humor, mildly crude

Here goes:

In days of old
when knights were bold
and toilets were not invented.
They dropped their load
on the side of the road
and went on quite contented.

Mike
=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 18:23:45 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Graduate School (clean)

Graduate School is a remedial program for those who didn't do it
right
the first time around.

=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 17:23:48 PDT
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.7     A collection of clean humor gather
seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

From the book "I Think Therefore I Laugh" by John Allen Paulos:

Martha: What did you get for the density of the block, George?  George:
Well, it weighed about 17 pounds, and had a volume of about 29 cubic feet,
so I guess the density is .58620689551 pounds per cubic foot. This
calculator is really swell!

A man, who not being certain of an item he reads in the newspaper, buys
100 copies of the paper to reassure himself of its truth.

New release: Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the
waiting time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at
this rate there will soon be a one year wait to get an abortion.

A statistician refuses to fly after reading the alarmingly high
probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane. Later he finds
that the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very
low. Now whenever he flies, he always carries one bomb with him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Bumper snicker: Save Our Trees. Stop Printing Tax Forms !

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro
baseball.  "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I
had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his
wife added.

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck
stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of
commission.  Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After
several days the phone company was again contacted and told that there was
no longer a rush.  The phone was now working fine--except that all money
was being returned upon completion of each call.  A repairman arrived
within the hour !!

BOSS to EMPLOYEE: "Great news, Haskel ! The computer says you can handle
twenty percent more work !!

The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as
the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate. At one point
she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand,
five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"
Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the
delay.  Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the
front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the
register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL
OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman
wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the
rest of her life ? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence
before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my
condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'".

----------------------------------------------------

According to a recent government publication ...
   A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
   A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
   A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
   A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 21:01:17 -0400
From:         Daniel Philbrick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      camping inquiry (Offensive)

Gerard asks his friend Larry, "Hey Larry, if you were camping and
you woke up with a condem sticking out of your ass, would you tell
anyone."

After some thought, Larry said "No way!"

Gerard then asked Larry if he would be interested in going
camping that weekend.
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 13:36:19 +1000
From:         Shane Powell <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Business names

Alone a road in one of the Northern suburbs of Melbourne was a
law firm of Anal and Anal. They later but a "T" in the name.
In the Northern Victoria there is a small country town called
Tittybong
    Shane
=========
Date:         Wed, 18 Aug 1993 23:11:20 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      woman (general)

Netters,
  Came across this from the  social chemistry Lab. Enjoy
yourselves!!!
***************************************

        WOMAN
        -----
  WOMAN -  A CHEMICAL HAZARD

  ELEMENT:        WOMAN
  SYMBOL:         WO2
  DISCOVERED:     Adam.  Datum  Undetermined
  ATOMIC MASS:    Accepted as 118lb but known to vary from 100 to 550lb
  OCCURRRENCE:    Copious quantities in all urban areas

  PHYSICAL PROPERTIES;
  1.      Surfaces usually covered with painted film
  2.      Boils at nothing. Freezes without reason
  3.      Melts if given special treatment
  4.      Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore

  CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
  1.      Has a great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and precious
          stones
  2.      Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
  3.      May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known
          reason
  4.      Insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increase by saturation
          in alcohol
  5.      Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

  COMMON USES:
  1.      Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
  2.      Can be a great aid to relaxation

  TESTS:
  1.      Pure specimen turn pink when discovered in the natural state
  2.      Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

  HAZARDS:
  1.      Highly dangeerous except in experienced hands
  2.      Illegal to possess more than one, although desireable
__________
 Note: Scientist Unknown.

 Lab: Social Chemistry.

 Note found with above post: phellow chemists  more then welcum
to add tests, properties and reactions of the stated element/compound.

 Poster demand:  May all additions be continually posted.
                 New elements already discovered but not
                 tabulated.
                 May be tabulated by their discovers or
                 assistants and promptly posted.

 Poster's special Thanks to all appreciating netter's
 Rest can keep their thoughts to themselves, and ofcourse
 put on a *mock* smile. :)
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 11:35:37 NFT
From:         Turgut Kalfaoglu <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Australian Wines?

Howdy. Does anyone have the script of Monty's Australian Wines?
Thanks!


--------------------------------------------------
Random quote: SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any
half-assed
              discussion.
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 11:49:24 BST
From:         Mr Hugh Armour <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Practical Jokes

Someone I used to work with told me that his son had reported this
happening at the university he was attending.  It is, hence, third-hand
information and I can't vouch for its reliability of this info but:

Apprently, certain types of foam fire extingushers contain two internal
compartments - one filled with water and one with a chemical (I don't know
what it is).  This chemical, when mixed with the water, reacts to produce
the foam.  Anyway, this group of students infiltrated a male faculty
toilet one night.  They then entered one of the cubicles, turned off the
stop-cock (stopping the flow of water to the cistern in that cubicle) and
then drained the water out of the cistern.  Finally, they drained the
chemical from some foam extiguishers into the cistern, tidied the palce up
and left.  Of course, next morning, the first person to flush the toilet
in that cubicle mixed the chemical from the cistern with the water already
present in the toilet bowl.  The sight was, apperently, a thing of awe and
beauty (although the instigators never saw their handiwork come to
fruition).  The occupant of the cubicle was greeted by the sight of the
toilet bowl expelling a slow but continuos stream of foam.  By the time
the unfortunate occupant of the cubicle recovered his wits and managed to
get the door open the entire cubicle was full of the stuff and he was
covered in it.  When the reaction finally ran its course the entire
faculty toilet was about 6 inches deep in the foam.

If this story is true it has to be one of the all time top ten.

=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 13:18:54 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Practical Jokes

Mr Hugh Armour's practical joke reminded me something from my own sunny
childhud.  I was raised in the countryside. At that time, most of the
farmers wouldn't have modern flushing water toilets like today. All they
had were those outhouses, old fashioned, just a hole in the ground covered
with planks.  So, the "practical joke" was to throw a pack or two of
baking yeast into somebody's outhouse and watch what happens. It wouldn't
take very long to get the whole yard covered with shit. Lots of it, in
fact. And growing.

--Saul
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 12:35:20 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Practical Jokes

Whilst on this subject:

I spent secondary years in a boarding school, and a few tricks:

*       Replacing the victim's shampoo with hair removal cream.

*       Putting toothpaste in people's hair while they were asleep.
        It makes a rather stubborn mat of hair by the morning!

*       Replacing their chocolate bars with ExLax. (Laxative chocolate
        bars).

=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 07:40:28 EDT
From:         Bert Headrick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bridal Toasts

Subject: Bridal Toasts

It is said that "Love is blind."  That would make marriage an
institution for the blind.

=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 07:52:43 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: *Mildly* crude knight ditty
Another similar one:

In days of old
When knights were bold
And condoms weren't invented
They tied their socks
Around their cocks
And that's how babies were prevented.
-------------------------------------

Someone's posting from this week about silly names for Chinese restaurants
reminded me that in Washington, D.C.'s Chinatown, we have Big Wong and Big
Wong II.  Can't say I'd ever want to eat there.

On Wed, 18 Aug 1993, Mike Shockley wrote:

> Medevial type humor, mildly crude
>
> Here goes:
>
> In days of old
> when knights were bold
> and toilets were not invented.
> They dropped their load
> on the side of the road
> and went on quite contented.
>
> Mike
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 08:04:00 EDT
From:         Charles Castelli <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Practical Jokes

When I was a camp counselor many years ago, some of the other counselors
pulled this one: One of the unit leaders boasted what a sound sleeper he
was.  He was always telling us that the campers never bothered him at nap
time.

Anyway, the counselors decided to test him.  One night when he was sound
asleep, they carried his bunk a few hundred yards down to the raft at the
shore of the lake.  They floated the raft back out to the middle of the
water and left him.

While we worried he might have to take a pee during the evening, he slept
like a baby.

I wasn't there when he woke up but they tell me he stared at the water for
a good twenty minutes before deciding to swim for it.  I don't think he
wanted to call for a canoe.

--Charlie

=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 09:05:00 EST
From:         "Haussler, BJ." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      FOR BK ROGERS

AGE:
    It's remarkable how you manage to keep your
age.............to yourself.

    You were young and foolish. Now you're no longer young.

    He's just an old goat who thinks he's a kid.

    You have the wisdom which comes with age..........senility.

TIGHT WAD:

    The only time he'll let money slip through his fingers is when he's
running them through it.

    Money burns in his pocket........'cause it never gets to go
out.

    He's so tight he's even trying to bill his tapeworm for room
and board.

    He's so tight the only thing he's ever withdrawn from his bank is free ink
from the inkwell.

    One time he was thrown in the asylum for thinking he was Napoleon. But
they found out he was just keeping his hand on his wallet.

ONE LINERS:

    In MY book you're a great guy..........But then, it's a work
of fiction.

    You are something that happens only once in a million
years...........thank Heavens!

    I could never slander you. Slander implies untruth, and nothing bad said
about you is ever untrue.

    Someone called you a pompous ass but I came to your defense.  I said you
are not pompous!

    There are good parts to your conversation.......the pauses and the end.
=========
Date:      Thu, 19 Aug 1993 08:24:34 -0600
From:      NAME <[e-mail]>
Subject:   Company names

I heard this one on the radio yesterday, so I cannot be sure of the
spelling.  It did SOUND like "Baer Sterne".
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 08:12:11 CDT
Comments:     Originally-From: Brad Pardee <[e-mail]>
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Practical jokes

Brad wrote:

>My old campus pastor shared this story of a joke that was pulled on
>somebody in the dorm when he was at Bible college....

Ah, yes. It reminds me that some of the most creative thinking is brought
about by required chapel at some of our fine conservative schools. Here
are three of my favorites from around the Chicago area:

OLIVET NAZARENE: Wanting a little variety with the hymns, one student
placed a live chicken inside the piano before chapel.  As the pianist
began to play, the first sound out of her piano was something other than
middle-C.

MOODY BIBLE INSTITUTE: The student projectionist thought that the film
that was to be shown for the annual Founders Week was a bit too dull, so
he went shopping for films in downtown Chicago and did a bit of cutting
and pasting.  The new, improved film was shown to a packed house.  In the
middle of a dry and extended speech by some executive, across the screen
came Donald Duck quacking.  This cinematic gift brought a swift end to the
student's academic career at MBI.

WHEATON: One student had found the way to a passage above the
exceptionally high ceiling at Wheaton's chapel, and slipped back one of
the ceiling tiles.  The industrious student had with him a box of mice,
each equiped with a tiny parachute, that he was going to drop onto the
students below.  Apparently he was caught before the deed was done.

Aw, the lighterside of piety.          --Ed Johnson
                                       University of Alabama
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 15:38:03 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Just a rule

I hate borrowing money. Because what you borrow is their money,
but what you return is YOUR money.

-- Saul
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 09:53:03 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Where I am from

I am originally from Northern New Jersey (Please keep your Jersey girl
jokes to yourself I now the difference between garbage and Jersey girls)
(see bottom if you do not know) But the name of my town was Wanaque
pronounced "wanna Q", we also had a town named Mahwah.  There were alot of
indian named towns.  I never thought that they were strange but thats
where I grew up, maybe you might think it strange.  Send all flames to me,
don't waste air time.

Bumper sticker: Money isn't everything, but it keeps the kids in touch.

=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 15:42:56 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      10 reasons why men should wear skirts

10 Reasons why men should wear skirts

1. Skirts are better ventillated, making you more comfortable, and
possibly less prone to infertility and impotence.

2. No more caught zippers (or things caught painfully in zippers).

3. You have a better choice of colours, styles, and fabrics with skirts,

4. So much more convenient for making love in the open air

5. No more trousers getting caught in your bicycle chain; throw those
trouser clips away!

6. No more white legs when you strip off to swim

7. You too can learn to double cross your legs like your wife or
girlfriend; Give your boss something else to think about while he lectures
you about your poor results.

8. Erections can be more easily disguised under the folds, and more easily
acted upon when the moment is right.

9. You're a new man feminist? Great! then you'll WANT to identify with
your female friends/partner(s); learn to share skirts with them; go on
buying expeditions together; no need to stop at the door of the underwear
department either!

10. Beat that prejudice at work where men in suits only listen to other
men in suits; now men and women in skirts will listen to other men and
women in skirts.


    Men! Don't be a prisoner of modern macho;
    Do what men did for thousands of years before trousers
    were invented - go out and wear a skirt today!

---------